Depending on a Man (Part 2)

It seems so many bad things have happened in life that people believe that good things only happen in an ideal world.  If things are going well with you, you don’t seem to belong to this world.  Anyway, I am continuing from where I stopped last time.

You see the way it works as a homemaker is that one partner makes home while the other goes out to bring bread.  Traditionally the woman does the former and the man does the latter.  So you could say that my family has conformed to the traditional way of life.  I am a housewife….

How I understand this so called “traditional” way of life is that as husband and wife we are a team.  God is the head of the team and we each have our roles to play and as we grow the dynamics of the team evolve.  Whatever the case may be there is no “I” in a team; we work together towards a shared vision to produce a particular outcome.  This is what plays out in the ideal world you may say and it’s really a pity that the way of the world has gone so much out of hand for us not to believe in the ideals of the family unit as a team.  I have heard so many sorry stories of women suffering because they were financially dependent on their husbands and so this is why people are generally weary of women who are housewives.  Most women don’t want to be housewives for the fear of being dumped or just being unable to meet some personal financial obligations.  Women’s family members or friends also don’t encourage women to become housewives for the same reason.

To be honest, it is really, really difficult to be financially dependent, especially when resources are scarce.  Think of it, I started working when I was 19 and I had moved abroad for the first time.  It was wonderful to have a few coins in my pocket to do a few things for myself without having to ask daddy.  I worked and fended for myself when I moved out on my own at 21.  I paid my bills, my rent, you name it.  I made my own decisions when I wanted to.  I went on holiday when I could afford it.  So here I am, I get back home, no job, no money I am earning.  My husband is doing fine but then we hit hard times so we needed to manage resources.  There were some decisions that could not be taken…So how did I cope?

Look at it this way, marriage is about taking the other person into consideration when making decisions, even in details as mundane as what to have for breakfast.  So there is already a little tension anyway.  It’s just more frustrating when the decisions are financial ones.  I need to get money from my husband to change my underwear (smile).  It’s funny when I hear women say that like it’s the worst insult on their dignity.  What dignity are you talking about for crying out loud?  The person buying your underwear sees underneath your underwear anyway, so what’s the big deal?  Anyway, what have I done so far?

The Bible says there is a time for everything under the sun.  For me it means there is a time to be quiet and keep to yourself and there is a time to come out of your shell.  So in the beginning of my journey as a housewife I decided to keep to myself.  I knew I was and am doing the right thing but I refused to have to justify my existence so that I wouldn't get drained.  You know sometimes when you have to talk so much you might start to blaspheme.  Ask Naomi in the book of Ruth.  When people were having a funfair to welcome her home and they saw she did not quite meet their expectations she blamed it all on God.  God had dealt with her badly, she said.  Ask Job.  When his friends went on and on tormenting him he ended up cursing the day he was born.  Being by myself and being content with what I have is what has kept me going.

Secondly, understanding that it is not my husband that sustains me but God.  My trust is in God to bring to pass what He has promised.  Not just financially but in all aspects of your marriage, as a woman you need to depend on God, not on your husband.  The poor guy is a human being like you, so you get what you bargain for if you depend on him; disappointment. 

Depending on a man? Part 1

When I was about to make my journey back home form the UK, a few of my relatives advised that I should try sorting out employment before coming home.  Surely I would get one at the drop of a hot because of where I was coming from and the degrees and experience I had bagged.  The rationale behind it was that I should not come home to depend on my husband.

Well I understand this rationale very well but unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you view it, I did not get a job.  I wasn't in the right frame of mind at the time to try (details in another post).  So I became a homemaker by default.  As I said in my last post, you need a lot of self-esteem to live confidently as a housewife if not you will find yourself trying to justify your existence every time.  So how did I handle it?

First I did a lot of reading.  I am naturally a home girl so being out and about was not really my thing.  Then I happened to go for a Christian Leadership Conference and there I learnt a few tips to cope.

My conclusion was this...Like Joseph the dreamer in the Bible, I had a lot of dreams, I still do.  However on his journey through life he had to invest in other people's dreams before his became a reality.  As a homemaker, I see myself investing in my family and one thing is certain, I cannot pursue my dreams to the detriment of the whole family.

In facing others I just have to be confident that I am doing the right thing for me and my family, regardless of what everyone else thinks about me.  I will continue with my coping strategy in my next post.....

Blessings....

Self-Esteem of the Homemaker

So I'm a homemaker, what's self-esteem got to do with it?  A whole lot I can tell you.....I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would be a housewife, uh homemaker I mean.  The picture I had of myself was that I would have some high-flying career and I would travel the world saving humanity.  So I studied and worked hard, got a Masters degree and all.  So being a housewife was totally opposite from what I had planned.

Do you understand, dear reader, what it means to be a housewife?  You do all sorts of house chores and it all seems normal until you miss a spot and someone is making comments.  You take care of your family, especially the kids.  It's worse when they are tiny and can't speak.  You don't get paid for the jobs you do and what you do is priceless  You start to wonder why this is what you ended up doing after all the time and money spent getting a degree.

It's bad enough when you go out and you say you are a housewife.  People generally think that housewives are lazy and idle..  From the friend or neighbour who wants to keep you busy with free baby sitting, to the person out there that asks why you husband could not open a shop for you.  A SHOP!!!! For crying out loud what am I supposed to sell?!

It's worse still when you have to depend on your husband financially in a period when money is scarce.. All these factors have a great effect on your self-esteem. When you cannot really meet up with some financial obligations to your extended family and they start to wonder what you are doing sitting at home. Oh I forgot to mention how it feels when you see your course mates doing seemingly well and getting fat salaries.

You've really got to be high on self-esteem to believe that you are doing the right thing, if not you'll find yourself having to justify your existence as a person.

How have I coped?  I'll let you know in my next post.....tudulu....

Housewife or Homemaker

So I'm filling out my details on a form and then comes the occupation line.  What do I fill?  Housewife....Ok.... So I'm a housewife, have been since I relocated to Naija in 2009.  It wasn't planned that way, the plan was to join my husband and get a job, only the job-hunting wasn't successful and I got pregnant.  Anyways, when I first got back home it was alright for a few weeks until I started getting frustrated with sitting at home.  It wasn't so much the sitting at home that was getting to me but the fact that I couldn't do the things I had to do when I wanted to do them.  If you live in Nigeria you will understand when I say even a housewife can get frustrated by the PHCN.  So many things that need to be done need electricity so it was really getting to me.

So I'm a housewife....actually I found that it sounds posh to say I'm a homemaker; either way I've found that it's the most difficult job to do so I don't really blame the women who refuse to be housewives.  It's not just difficult in terms of the labour but also in terms of a woman's self-esteem and the way she is being viewed by society which makes even something as mundane as filling out a form sometimes really difficult.

How have I coped with this so far?  This is what the Holy Spirit laid upon my heart to document here.  I wonder who will be so interested as to read it but that's really none of my business. I am doing this in obedience to my Father and with that in mind I know this will be a blessing to you, my dear reader and even me.  So until I come back, happy reading!