In Response to Taiwo Akinlami's Hard Choices pt 1

Taiwo Akinlami is a Child Protection expert in Nigeria and he recently wrote post titled Hard Choices (18/01/15).  Now if you have ever read his posts, he could be called a poet, I just love how he writes and even speaks.  To get the full gist of what he wrote I refer you to his post https://taiwoakinlami.wordpress.com/2015/01/18/hard-choices

I am however going to go through each of his points here so you can see the hard choices I have made, where I am struggling and what I am learning along the way.

First choice:  To have children or not to.  As he puts it, “gone are those days when we have children for any other reason than being ready to effectively protect and raise them properly, knowing what to do per time, how and when to do it and the fortitude to do it”.

My answer and my choice: Unfortunately, I don’t think those days are gone at all.  When I was much younger (under ten years old) I thought I would have ten children because I love children (babies really).  When I was in my teens I stopped at two, especially when I watched someone in labour on TV, at some point I even thought I wouldn't put myself through the pain of labour, I would rather adopt.  In my early 20s I felt I was a total mess and wouldn't make a good mother.  Besides the world was just so cruel, why would anyone want to bring forth children in such a world?

Now if I wasn’t going to have children would there be any need to get married?  Nah…Marriage wasn’t an option for me at all.  I was going to be a career woman and not bother some poor dude out there with who I was; I really was a mental and emotional mess at the time.  However we grow and we develop and change and along the line I met my best friend and husband and nothing was going to stop me from marrying him.  Well with marriage comes the - should I call it - natural instinct to want to have children.  Of course, the prayers that came my way then were for me to have lots children.  My husband and I were living in different continents early on in our marriage so having children was not on our minds.  I wasn’t going to raise children as if I was a single parent when I wasn’t.  However family and friends alike were profusely praying for us and asking if all was well. 

However I continue to advice couples not to have children immediately you get married.  Take out sometime to enjoy and know each other and in the process prepare the home for the new arrivals that will eventually come.  I cannot say that I could totally be as articulate as TA states; I took it for granted that I should be ready to protect and raise them.  And this is the mainstream attitude to having children; like me I see so many people out there who just want to get married and have children because that is the way of the world; that’s what society demands, after all the Bible says “be fruitful and multiply”.  Not too many people are asking what to be fruitful in or what to multiply.  This is just translated that you have many children.  It is the economic situation around the world that is putting some sense to the amount of children people have these days.  So “almost” gone are those days when couples had 6 – 10 children.

But are people sincerely asking the fundamental questions TA states?

“What is the purpose of multiplication, is it to achieve population or dominion, is life a game of numbers or a game of dominion through values, etc?”

I’ll be honest; I did not deeply think about that when I was going to have children.  It was after I gave birth to my first child that the task ahead really dawned on me.  There were aspects of my upbringing that I felt should have been done better and I had to determine to do that for my children.  When my 10 month old son picked up his plate after eating and took it to the kitchen, it really dawned on me that he was copying what he saw, then I had to start thinking of what I wanted him to copy.  Had I articulated my personal values before I started having children?  Nope.  It was when I was pregnant that I got hold of some leadership books and I started reading.  Application became the next step and I am still developing.  Luckily my children are still very young, so as I develop I can model what I want them to copy from me.

If you had the patience to get to the end of this post, please do follow the continuation where I will continue with the next Hard Choices by TA

Have a beautiful day 

From the Homemaker....

Mrs Madonna Poulagha Porbeni (nee Afekafe)

The Porbeni Matriarch said good night on January 8 2014.  I didn't even get to say good bye apart from me calling her on New Year’s Day promising to spend the weekend with her.  She was my grandmother, such a beautiful woman.  A homemaker par excellence!  In her honour, I present her as the homemaker of the month of January.

The very first time I met her I called her aunty.  My perception of grandmother meant that she had to be old.  I met her when she was in her sixties but she looked so young, there was no way she could be my grandma.  So I kept going to my grand-dad’s first wife’s room thinking she was my grandma.  In a way she was, wasn't she?  In case you are wondering what I am talking about, in my grandma’s time polygamy seemed to be the order of the day, so my grandma was my grandpa’s third wife and she was by his side till the end of his life.  My grandparents celebrated their 58^th year anniversary in the year I got married, that was in 2006.  I have a picture of them in my living room and I hold it up as a milestone to beat should God give us grace to see beyond that time.

Oma, as she was fondly called which is German for grandma, was a homemaker; it was the norm in her days.  She told me she had wanted to be a nurse and she would have trained in the United Kingdom but my granddad could not leave her because there was nowhere to leave his beautiful wife.  Even in their old age my Opa did not like to leave her to go out on her own (smile).  She was a trained seamstress and she upheld very high standards till her old age.  I did not really get to see her work because by the time I met her she had stopped sewing due to her failing eye sight.  But the indications were there that she was very good at what she did.  I remember her sending me to her tailor to sew something for her, she had cut the material already to the length and style she wanted and given specific instructions on what to do.  Now only someone who knew the trade well could do that.  Then she was always looking out for new styles and checking out what the younger generation was wearing and probably seeing how she could adapt the styles to her age.

My Oma was fashionable to the very end of her life.  On Saturday she would have picked out her outfit ready for church the next day; double wrappers to match the head tie and a lovely blouse to go.  Her jewellery as well as her shoes and bag had to go well with what she wore.    

As a person she was really lovely, loving and caring.  She never forgot a birthday even my children’s birthdays and she always called me on my wedding anniversary.  I remember when I had my first child, I had him on a Tuesday and she took a cab to my house on Saturday to see me.  She put me on her lap and cuddled me before she saw the baby (my eyes are welling up with tears as I write this).

How I miss you so, my wonderful Oma.  When I found out my daughter had clubfoot, I couldn’t tell her because I knew she would be worried.  She eventually found out and she really was worried.  She was sorry that I had to go through the whole stress of my daughter’s treatment.  However, my daughter started walking in December 2013 and she was overjoyed to see her walk.  The last time I went to spend the weekend with her in December she was seriously playing with my little children and it was such a heart-warming sight to see.  She had not long before gone for a cataract removal so she could see them clearly.

My Oma, I miss you so much and I love you dearly…..

To thyself be true....

I cannot overemphasize on the difficulty of being a stay at home homemaker.  Imagine all your degree certificates gathering dust and you've probably lost confidence of getting a job.....As I said, staying home doesn't have to last forever it's all about time and seasons; a time to stay at home and take care of the family and a time to build a career.  It does take some planning though.

So a few years ago, I am beginning to itch.  I need to get out and do something and I do have something in my head about what I would like to do, only it's not going to raise any funds in the short term.  Then while I am thinking about it I get a call for a job offer.  Wow!  Without applying anywhere someone out there thinks I am capable enough to do this job.  It sounded exciting so why not give it a try?  I go on trip to Abuja leaving my breastfeeding baby at home with my mum for a few days and I go for training to start the job.

I loved everything the organisation stood for and that should have been enough reason to do the job right?  Well not quite.  It just wasn't my thing to be honest.  This was a kind of organisation I would support if  had the money but the job was showing more of my weaknesses than my strengths.  That wasn't a confidence builder at all.  

To be honest, I did not feel I could do it from the outset, so why did I take the job in the first place?  I was thinking of what people would think of me if I didn't take the job.  "Lazy homemaker, she just doesn't want to do anything..  Can you imagine she got a job just by sitting at home while there are so many people who would die for the same opportunity".  I remember speaking with my best friend who said just that.  "You are just being lazy and whinny".  I also thought of the much needed funds that would come to me.  So why not take up the challenge I told myself.  

I lasted only two and a half months doing the job.  I didn't do it as I ought and I was not happy with myself.  There is dignity in labor goes the saying.  I had some nice cash but I wasn't proud of getting it because I did not think I had earned it.

So what is the the lesson to be learnt here.  You will leave home in due course but don't rush at the first job that comes your way, it might not be yours and you'll be really unhappy at it.  It's not all about money you know.  You want to do something that you will enjoy doing and feel proud about doing as well.  Never mind what people are going say or think.  Either way, people will always talk and they are entitled to their opinions and you are entitled to your happiness.

My dear homemaker, be true to yourself and forget about the wagging tongues......

Until next time, stay blessed

Happy New Year from the Homemaker.....

Hello lovely readers,

Such an inconsistent 2014 it was on my part by not writing to you as regularly as I hoped to.  It’s now a New Year and like many of you I have New Year resolutions, one being that I want to send out at least one blog post a week.  This is Thursday now so I am still on track, but to really keep on track I got myself an accountability partner, someone who has given me a gentle reminder on what I asked her to hold me accountable for.  So this accountability partner thing is already paying off because I know she won’t keep off my back.  My advice to you dear reader is that if you want to get things done this year, it might be wise to speak to someone about it and let the person hold you accountable.  Then there would be a higher possibility of you surpassing your target than if you only said it to yourself.

As you can see, I have inadvertently asked you to hold me accountable by telling you what my target is and I am thanking you in advance for your support.

Lots going on this year in Nigeria; we are expecting to go to elections in February so that will be really exciting to see.  My heart goes out to my fellow homemakers up North, particularly in the Boko Haram troubled areas, who homemaking is being made precarious for.

All in all I can only pray and hope for the very best for my fellow citizens and my country as a whole.  Here’s a promise to keep in touch this year by God’s grace and with the help of my very special accountability partners.

God Bless

H